Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
