Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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