My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We are all done wearing pants today
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
