im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
