he wants to bone in the snuggie
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
