i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
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She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
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Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.