You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?