I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual