my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?