the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
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These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
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She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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