Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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