my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
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