I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
where are my eyebrows?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
