i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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