Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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