genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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