I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
