Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
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He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
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We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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