haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
