What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
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I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
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Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Randomize