Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
