I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
