If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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