can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
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So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
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I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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