when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
