it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
