I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
