The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
