bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
