Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.