You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.