That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already