she woke up with a sticky ear
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
