Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
