non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.