my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.