Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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