o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
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