Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
