so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
