I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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