4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I have feelings that need drinking.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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