My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.