I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
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I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
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I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.