Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.