I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
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I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
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She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.