I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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