I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
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He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
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Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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