Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
