when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
