Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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