I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
