My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
