Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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