My hand turned me down
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
