Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
